(All Hail) Creation · June 2010 · Scriptures

It Rained Today. It’s Not Raining Now.

  Greetings from my back garden. I’d take a picture but I’m too lazy to fetch my camara. I’m too lazy to do anything more than slurp noisily from the glass of melted ice cubes sitting next to me, now I think about it. Though to be honest, the ice cubes taste a bit strange. Our freezer is about twenty-five years old.

  I really ought to write Ruby’s birthday present (happy birthday Ruby!), a story about dodos, but I am going to my nan’s soon for her birthday so I’ll suspect I’ll pull another late night/early morning stint. Well, early morning, because I don’t do late nights. Most of the time I am in bed by nine, with a book on one side, my diary on the other and a few suffed toys perched somewhere. I love early mornings instead. It’s quiet, peaceful, the birds tweet and sound nice… Unless they’re the pigeons that nested outside my bedroom windows a few months back. They cooed as soon as it got light.

 Because I haven’t got any pictures, here are my two newest haikus, now on FictionPress for everyone to comment on, if you’d be so kind.

Ebay

Odes to Food I am going to add more to this one, because chemical energy is easily as good as a chemical romance. Don’t tell Gerard, but I think food is better.

  Before I forget, I was thinking of making a video blog/log/vlog/amateur TV show with my camcorder in Greece. Will it be an epic waste of effort or do you all want to listen to my beautiful thoughts as well as read them?

June 2010 · My Family and Other Animals · School *choke* · THE WORLD *head in hands*

24°C, 50% Humidity, 5MPH wind, Summer?

  I like blogging on a Sunday. Maybe it’s because Sunday is a good day to look back as well as forward, and become very zen. Or maybe it’s because I’m looking for an excuse not to do my homework.

  I’d like to tell you all that I’ve got an Exiting New Project in the pipeline, or that I’m recording an album or writing a book, but that would be lying. Yesterday I went to the beach with a bunch of kids from school and today I accompanied my family to Maxim’s boxing show/convention/almost competition. It was slightly amusing watching Maxim in the ring, although I will admit I sucked in my breath when a dude at least two years older and three inches taller than Max bashed him in the nose.

  Hey, I have to be a big sister sometimes.

  If anyone in the Kent/London area finds a yellow beach ball with a smiley face bobbing along the Thames, give me a bell and I’ll tell you where to return it. We, ahem, lost it at the beach, approximately five minutes after I forked out four quid for it. Then again, it was me who misjudged the wind’s power and chucked in the wrong direction in the first place…

  Oh, and tell off any jellyfish you find floating around. Apparently their stings hurt as much as the broken glass and syringe needles on the Thames floor. However, you haven’t experienced Essex until you’ve swallowed part of the Estuary and scratched your feet on the sea floor. Or had a mud fight using said sea floor as ammunition.

 My prediction for the England versus Germany game is that we will lose. The karma from the wars has to come back sometime. Or would that be us one upping the Nazis?

 

(All Hail) Creation · June 2010 · Scriptures

Look, I’m Creative!

  Guys! Shameless plugging time!

  I’ve finally got off my arse and written a ‘poem’. I know virtually nothing about poetry or love, so I have no idea how I ended up with a poem in the ‘love’ category of FictionPress…

  Anyway, here is Musical Instruments.

  It’s strange, I’ve been telling myself for ages to get up and write something that isn’t about my life, and then I’m sitting in my grandparents’ house feeling a bit depressed and bam! We have inspiration.

  Saying that, I’d rather not have a poem and feel totally normal… Possibly. Maybe. I actually have no idea. Let’s hear it for confusion!

  Please, please, please, read and review. I will love you forever. It doesn’t matter if you’re not a member of FictionPress, you can just put your name in the box with a few words about my amazing poetry skills.

  Should I stick to haikus????

June 2010 · Lists · THE WORLD *head in hands*

We’ll Thank Our Parents Eventually

  Here are some skills useful to that scary thing called life and adulthood, as far as I can tell. I will check off the ones I think I have achieved in the last fourteen years.

Shoelace tying

Going to the loo/showering/cleaning/dressing yourself, by yourself

Reading

Writing

Halfway decent knowledge of what’s going on in the world now, way back when and what could happen in the next decade. Also knowing your capital city, continent, where you live, head of state, monarch.

Being nice to people you dislike Wait. Can’t cross it all out, I’m still working on this. I’m so transparent people can tell how I feel by a glance to my face. However, I can rest easy because adults are crap at this. Did you see Ian Hislop and John Prescott on Have I Got A Bit More News For You?! Jesus. I bet the producers were biting their nails the whole way through, going, “Please don’t let this turn into a brawl or Russel Brand-esque situation!”

Being nice to people you like I got issues with this one too. It should be a piece of cake, but I reckon I think the world of someone, they’re only human and screw up, I freak out, hate them, get confused, forgive them, don’t trust them and decide I’m a plonker because at the end of the day I don’t want to be singing ‘I Don’t Love You.’ Not that you’d be around to hear it, my dancing is so atrocious you’d run a mile as soon as I started ’emotionally swaying’ to Toro’s melody.

Talking to strangers in the workplace/members of the public who aren’t possible sex offenders No. Not at all. Give me a million years. I still get sweaty palms talking to assistants in Boots about where the toothpaste is.

  So, my brain notwithstanding, I think this is a very good list. All I need to do is practice communication, articulation and making my face move into a smile. Remember, Francesca, eyebrow gymnastics just makes your glasses fall down your face.

  Anyone got anything to add to the list? I was thinking of reviewing it in five years’ time.

  Oh, and if any of you think you’ve subscribed by commenting, kindly click the subscription button on your right then confirming it from your email. Otherwise I don’t know who you are and that makes me sad.

(All Hail) Creation · Colour · June 2010 · Photogenius

We Only See Each Other at Weddings and Funerals

  Or, in this case, a silver wedding anniversary for my second cousins in Romford that involved no one knowing anyone while knowing everyone because we are clearly all from the same gene pool, judging by the olive skin, dark hair and interesting nose. I definitely saw a Maltese cross around my dad’s cousin Les’s neck.

  I don’t have any photos as the only one with a fraction of all the family in was taken on a fancy Canon camara by someone who wasn’t related. Possibly. Anyway, here are some snapshots of my half term:

  Wednesday, chores for cash:

Thursday: sunshine, ice cream, trampoline:

 

 

 

Thursday night, camping in the tent in our garden:

 

 

 

  Friday: beach with the girls

 

 

 

 

 

From: Ruby     To: Frank

I have such a drain brain, it drains even more than that hole in the oil pipe in the Gulf of Mexico D:

 
And so, as my brain was draining away onto the floor, I happened to look down and see a shiny little puddle (which bore quite a lot of resemblance to mercury, might I add) with you on it, pulling a face that somewhat resembles this:
 
>:U
 
or maybe
 
D:<
 
And I reached down, and with the end of my fountain pen scooped the little shiny puddle up into my hand, before proceeding to reinsert it into my ear.
 
and then,
FLASH
 
The sun went out, and thunderbolts stared raining down on my head and the ground shook beneath my feet, and I was duly frightened.
 
And then an image of God (although, now I think about it, he did bear quite a lot or resemblance to my angry next door neighbour) appeared in front of me and said:
 
‘Oh smite ye, mere earthling, as you stand at my feet trembling, for you have disobeyed the word of FRANK.’
 
And I knelt down at his feet and asked, in trembling tones ‘What have I done’.
 
And God proceeded to say ‘It is what you have not done that has displeased FRANK so mightily’
 
And then I remembered about the bicarbonate of soda, that was sitting innocently in the cupboard behind. I whirled around and grabbed it, before brandishing it at the face of God and crying out ‘Forgive me O God who looks like my angry next door neighbour, for I have truly sinned.’
 
His voice then boomed out ‘This is good. I shall forgive you this time mere earthling, but next time you shall not be so lucky’, and with this he vanished with a puff into the ceramic vase by the TV.
 
By Ruby.
 
  Here is the aforementioned bicarbonate of soda, which Ruby made seventy-three fairy cakes with last week. I am not making that up, nor are the following pictures Photoshopped.