We’ll Thank Our Parents Eventually

  Here are some skills useful to that scary thing called life and adulthood, as far as I can tell. I will check off the ones I think I have achieved in the last fourteen years.

Shoelace tying

Going to the loo/showering/cleaning/dressing yourself, by yourself

Reading

Writing

Halfway decent knowledge of what’s going on in the world now, way back when and what could happen in the next decade. Also knowing your capital city, continent, where you live, head of state, monarch.

Being nice to people you dislike Wait. Can’t cross it all out, I’m still working on this. I’m so transparent people can tell how I feel by a glance to my face. However, I can rest easy because adults are crap at this. Did you see Ian Hislop and John Prescott on Have I Got A Bit More News For You?! Jesus. I bet the producers were biting their nails the whole way through, going, “Please don’t let this turn into a brawl or Russel Brand-esque situation!”

Being nice to people you like I got issues with this one too. It should be a piece of cake, but I reckon I think the world of someone, they’re only human and screw up, I freak out, hate them, get confused, forgive them, don’t trust them and decide I’m a plonker because at the end of the day I don’t want to be singing ‘I Don’t Love You.’ Not that you’d be around to hear it, my dancing is so atrocious you’d run a mile as soon as I started ’emotionally swaying’ to Toro’s melody.

Talking to strangers in the workplace/members of the public who aren’t possible sex offenders No. Not at all. Give me a million years. I still get sweaty palms talking to assistants in Boots about where the toothpaste is.

  So, my brain notwithstanding, I think this is a very good list. All I need to do is practice communication, articulation and making my face move into a smile. Remember, Francesca, eyebrow gymnastics just makes your glasses fall down your face.

  Anyone got anything to add to the list? I was thinking of reviewing it in five years’ time.

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