Complaints · January 2010 · THE WORLD *head in hands*

For Auld Lang Syne, My Dear, For Auld Lang Syne


  I’ve wanted to write this since sitting at a dinner table on Saturday night, but little things like food poisoning kept getting in the way (at least, that’s what I think I had. To be honest, I couldn’t give a crap what caused it, I just know it hurt like hell).

  Anyway, is anyone here from Scotland? Just slightly? Really, me too! That’s one of the reasons why I love this:

  Not Hamish (though I once met a Highland Cow named Hamish), the food. Which is, I believe, some inside part of a sheep. See, I said you have to like tartan to appreciate it. It was Burns Night on Monday, and as usual my family got together at the weekend at my grandmother’s to celebrate, drink and complain about the government. It was actually my grandfather who was from Glasgow, but let’s not quibble. I own a kilt. So I would like to say a very happy 251st birthday to Robbie Burns and have him know he did not infringe copyright by writing down Auld Lang Syne.

  While we’re on the subject of countries, take a peek at this:


  In case you haven’t already realised, it is an ethnicity form. It was given to me by my school last week to fill out and hand in, because the government wishes to waste time, pretend it’s doing something and collect useless data on how many ‘Travellers of Irish Decent’ are in grammar schools. Before SHSG try to suspend me for putting this on the net, it doesn’t have the school’s address and I’m doing it for the good of humankind, okay?

  Mum ticked off ‘White English’ because that’s what she and my dad say they are, but I kicked off because I’m not even half English, and anyway who wants to admit they’re from here? I prefer Malta, personally. I think I’ll tick ‘White European’ as I tan so well I  have been spoken to in Spanish as I’ve walked through airports coming back from the Med before. I considered ticking ‘Refused’ or ‘Not Yet Obtained’ or ‘Other’, just to see if I got a reaction…

  Happy Wednesday, and if you can, please tell me why there is no ‘White British’ on this list. Or, better yet, if Gordon Brown has to complete one.


10 thoughts on “For Auld Lang Syne, My Dear, For Auld Lang Syne


    Blasephemy, Frank!
    How dare you not be proud to be British!
    We are the best country there is!
    We’ve won pretty much every war since 1066!
    We invented America!
    We consume 97% of all baked beans produced in the world!

    p.s ethnicity form lulz 😀


      1. You seem to be forgetting that we were the ones that invented America in the first place – without us they wouldn’t exist.
        Therefore, anything and everything the have achieved or invented has only happened because of us.


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