The Zante Diaries 2010

  Also known as ‘An Idiot’s Guide to Zakynthos’ or ‘What the Other Kids are Missing. Poor Dudes’.

Sunday 25^th July 2010

  It is our second full day here and already I am at my wits’ end with Maxim. He snores, he steals my bed, puts my pen lids up his nose, throws damp towels at me while I’m asleep and turns the air conditioning down so far I wake up with frozen sunburn.

  I guess I could always throw him in the overly-choppy sea, but it might upset whoever he’s been mysteriously texting.

  Not much has changed here since last September; the sign on top of the Neraida restaurant is still about to fall down, we’re handed useless leaflets at every restaurant on the high street (I’m saving them for Ruby) and there aren’t many Germans.

  The Blue Bay Hotel, where some of us stayed last year, as well as a few shops, is closed. There’s a bar along the beach making up for it by blaring bad club music at half a billion decibels for twenty-four hours.

  They also still sell frappes.

Monday 26^th July 2010

World History According to Kostas, Maître d’ of Neraida Restaurant

 

• 2000 years ago, the Greeks were building and making art, the Egyptians were constructing pyramids.
• 1000 years ago, the English had horses, castles and were on crusades, searching for the Holy Grail.
• 500 years ago, the Spanish and Portuguese had ships had ships and were sailing the world.

 

• 200 years ago, the Germans were picking fruit from trees.

  I will assume the Germans are once again on par with the Turks.

  Fact of the Day: Greeks will build a church anywhere, out of anything. Including remains of a temple to Artemis.

Tuesday 27^th July 2010

  I write you from the larger of Zante’s two water parks. This one is in Sarakinado.

  I am enjoying a beverage made by Nestlé known as Café Zero. I thought I was buying moccacino frappe, whatever that is, they (the parents) reckoned it was ice cream and it’s turned out to be a mix of the two. I broke the straw with the exertion of sucking out the slush and am waiting for it to melt.

  Anyway, I like water parks about as much as I like Disneyland, Peter Pan’s, Phantasialand, etc. In fact, the only two ways it could get any worse would be if a) I was forced to go on anything other than lazy river, b) Mickey Mouse appeared. In a swimsuit.

  There is also Lady Gaga and Alexandra Burke blaring from a nearby snack bar stereo. It seems Simon Cowell has cracked Greece, his only challenge now is to get Nikos and his mates to cover Leona Lewis instead of the live Greek stuff in Neraida.

  It’s not all bad – I’ve had an amusing time people watching and debating various tattoos and swimsuits on various people. My favourite design so far has been a flower pattern up a girl’s ribcage that she will regret when she has kids.

  There is a statue in the park of a transgender mermaid on steroids and I think she is trying to take ‘masculine women’ to a whole different level. Or the architect was sexually confused.

  It rained this morning. I am not making this up. We were in Zakynthos Town/City, walking up to the remains of a fortress after crêpes and there were blobs of rain. It is still cloudy now.

  You know I hate cats? How the only feline animal I tolerate is Elizabeth’s cat Marmite because she’d never speak to me if I didn’t? Well, I made a friend today. Granted, it was only there for the crepes, but it looked Egyptian. Not fat. Almost sweet.

  I’m going to photograph the mer-it.

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

  ©Indifferent Ignorance 2010 This is not fiction. It may save your life one day.