“I’m not worried about the rapists in the open camp, but I am about the dozens of fuel bottles anyone could set light to.”

  Good evening.

  I am very glad that even famous in-laws go to great lengths to prove they like each other:

  I love my feet. Also my thighs. Back. Arms. Shoulders. Kneecaps. Shower.

  I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned I am partaking in the Duke of Edinburgh Bronze Award Scheme, and in case you didn’t already know, it involves – for my school at least – an expedition to Danbury, Essex.

  I do not like Danbury anymore.

  We walked twenty-five kilometers and I have no pictures to show you because we were busy trekking off the map and eating grass, looking like homeless people. Big thanks to Sarah for accompanying me to the loo at two fifteen in the morning, Pugsley for getting the toothpaste open and Mrs. Brierlly for phoning the teachers and discovering that we’d actually passed camp an hour ago and said, “That’s not it, keep going.”

  Oh, and we saw fluffy bunny rabbits, with white tails that are like the Beatrix Potter illustrations. They look a little like this:

  I’m going to walk Fred now. Drink to Mr. Brown’s resignation for me.