I was in a bad mood before breakfast this morning and that’s not really happened since I was 15, so I’m going to ask what you guys think about it. I’ve thought about it all day and I’m pretty sure my irritation was completely unfounded… but I couldn’t switch it off and in the interests of personal growth, here goes:
You guys know I use the Headspace app, right? Emma Watson recommended it on Twitter in 2013 and since 2013 was almost as bad as 2016, I gave it a go and have used it, on and off, ever since. Last November I hit a run streak, as they call it, and meditated every day for a week… a month… six months… A couple of weeks ago I hit a year. One entire year of making the effort to sit for 10 or 15 minutes a day and pay attention to my mental health. 365 full days! Okay so sometimes I snatched 3 minutes while I was getting ready to go out, or did the sleeping exercise when I was already 95% asleep, because I was at 232 days and dammit I wanted to hit the next milestone and get an email from Headspace congratulating me. But I did it. I CAN COMMIT.
I carried on after 365 days, partly because I could and partly because the app really works. I always feel better for having taken time out for myself, although it’s a really hard sensation to explain without sounding like a hippie (I literally feel like there is more space in my head. What a well-named product). Yesterday I fell asleep before I finished the session or I left the app open or something, and this morning the counter had zipped back to 1. I was unreasonably upset about it. I felt like the previous 380-something days had been for nothing. I was useless. I should have found time in the day to do it instead of falling asleep partway through. Why couldn’t I just have done better.
I already hit the highest milestone on there. I already exceeded my own expectations, both by meditating every day for a year and then by carrying on to meditate for a couple of weeks after. Headspace, and the thinking behind it, is firmly ingrained in my day-to-day life. I am way more chill than I was a year ago, and way better at dealing with horrible situations. So why did I feel like I had let myself down?
I’m over it now, I think… so far today I’ve scratched out two thirds of my to-do list, bought some Christmas presents and successfully avoided the temptation to stop at any of the chocolate stockists/coffee shops in Southend mid-shopping trip. And seriously there’s a coffee chain on every corner my bank account should be murmuring its thanks. So I’m having a Good Day. I’ve had a pretty good week, actually. I don’t currently want to hide from my life, which is always a pleasant sensation.
I just spent half an hour this morning wallowing in completely unfounded self loathing. Do you ever feel like that? Have you ever been unreasonably harsh on yourself? Do I have a complex? If I could afford a therapist I wouldn’t be using Headspace, so help me out.
6 thoughts on “Introducing the Whitest White Girl Problem I’ve Ever Had, ft. Headspace”
Hey hey! Oh I didn’t comment yet?? Well, it’s Missy! eh heh. Yeah, I am trying out WP too! I really like this because I’ve gotten so familiar with your page (just from following for so many months) Oh, maybe we spoke elsewhere. Anyway, so trying out this. I guess I’ll …or maybe I’ll change my name. I don’t know! This is kindof whimsical! XD Anyway, hello and this was fun! hehe k, bye!
Testing Francesca. I wondered if you have the option of adding Google Blogger to your list of log in options. No, you shouldn’t change it, but I wondered if it was possible. I think either way I need to type in an address. Idk figuring this out as I go, oh but then you would be able to see my profile/blog if you did. Otherwise, I suppose that is what the website box below is for?
Omgsh! This is soo…I don’t want to say sad, because you are doing so well! I think it is sad for me, because I just feel like that all the time! No no, just kidding. However, last week has been really rough. The last year has been on and off rough, but I think it is because I am socializing with all kinds of different people and it is making me question who I am and who I want to be and when that conflicts with others, especially people you like, oh that can be really scary and ddifficult and makes you question yourself. Oh, but thatis one thing I always enjoyed about your blog, how empowering and inspiring it is! You have a framework but within that, you can be free to express yourself and I think thatis really healthy! I am this way, but when you run therisk of losing everything because of a few who dislike you, sometimes you have to step back and compromise…or maybe just step back and create some head space! ^^ That sounds like a cool program! Seriously, you should be very proud, and yes, I know how frustrating…like with Nano, I didnt finish my word count, but now that itis over, I lost a littlebit of motivation to continue. Eventually we get our groove back though. Or we just take a little break. It’s all good! We shouldn’t beat ourselves up too much, but when it is healthy for us, we should aim to get back into it A.S.A.P.
little wordy? See! You inspire me to write! Ok, cheesy too. 😛
Aw thanks. 🙂 I’ve recovered now, and I’ve used the app since with no ridiculous irrational side effects, so I think I probably just needed some perspective (aka get the f over myself).
Response to your other comments: I have no control over WP’s login options and since I’m always logged in as me, I don’t know how to investigate. I seem to remember you can comment with just an email address, though.